Solace
by LillyOfTheValley
Summary: Hermione is worried about Harry. The changes in him frighten her terribly, but what can she do? HPHG


Author's Note: Okay, before anyone freaks out, I'm not completely abandoning my truly favorite pairing. It's just that even my mind is having issues with justification of my most favoritest pairing after what I read in Half Blood Prince. I'm simply exploring the options. So please don't desert me, I'm just trying out something new. Okay? Thanks

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters, though I wish I did.

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If you had asked me six or seven years ago what my life would be like my last year at school, I would have told you that it would be amazing. I would have gone on and on about how I would be the top witch at Hogwarts, my advanced classes, my status as Head Girl. I would have gushed about my thriving friendships and my wonderful parents. I would have been wrong.

My life was turned upside down the moment Professor Dumbledore died. The day of the funeral one of my best friends made the decision to forgo his last year at Hogwarts in order to search for Voldemort's Horcruxes. Ron and I decided to go with him. I can honestly say that day changed my life, and not necessarily for the better. The first days were hell due the fight to convince the Dursleys to let us stay with them and the effort to stay hidden from the inhabitants of Privet Drive until Harry's birthday. We were gone the moment he came of age.

From the moment we left the Dursley house we were constantly on the move, taking as little as we could. We stayed in shabby muggle motels and searched ceaselessly, but two months into what would have been my final year at Hogwarts, we had found nothing. After four months of dead ends there were times when the tension between the three of us could have been cut with a knife. Whatever had been blossoming between me and Ron had fallen flat within a month and a half of our departure from Hogwarts. In the conditions we were suffering, anything remotely romantic between the two of us fizzled out very quickly. In retrospect I know that it was all for the best. I know now that Ron and I were never meant to be, but at the time it hurt. I thought I was in love, and the failure of what I perceived as my first love was crushing. Thankfully we were able to overcome and stay friends; I don't think I would have been able to handle that loss.

By the fifth month of our search I was terrifyingly worried about Harry. He had stopped talking to us about anything other than the Horcruxes, and the rage radiating from him was an ever present part of our lives. He sent away Ginny's owls with the letters still attached when Ron wasn't looking. I was afraid for him. I found out that my fears were justified.

One day in February we were following yet another lead, another one that I had a feeling wouldn't take us anywhere, when everything exploded. We were walking down a relatively deserted street in muggle London when we came across a gang of street kids. They were at least two years older than us, and it looked like the lot of them outweighed Harry and Ron by at least twenty pounds. We all lowered our heads and prepared to walk by. We were almost in the clear when one of the idiots had to open his mouth. It was the stupidest thing he ever did.

"Oi, what's the charge for a night with the girl?" he asked to his friends' cheers and catcalls. I felt Harry and Ron tense on either side of me and felt fear rise in a hot burst. I put my hand on Harry's arm.

"Please, it's not worth it, let's just go." He nodded almost imperceptibly and we continued to walk. Unfortunately the idiot just had to keep it going.

"Oh, come on, it can't be that expensive for some time with the likes of her. I'll tell you what; I'll give you five pounds." I barely had time to take a breath. Harry was rushing at him like a rocket. Ron was fighting off the other three while Harry took on the one that had spoken. I watched in horror for a moment before I reacted. I desperately tried to pull Harry of the guy. All the pent up rage started to pour out of him. I was scared to death. He was on top of the kid, punching him in the face over and over. When he started bashing the guy's head into the ground I resorted to pounding on his back.

"Harry, stop you'll kill him." I was crying by then. "Harry you'll kill him, stop. Please!" It was my please that got him. He rose from the ground and brushed himself off, breathing hard. He was still shaking with the rage. He turned to me and took my face in his hands.

"Are you okay?" he asked. I nodded. It was the most emotion I'd seen out of him in weeks.

"I'm fine, please let's just go." He nodded.

"Watch your mouth from now on you filth," Harry said before we set off again.

I was still shaken that night in our hotel room. The lead we had been following had taken us nowhere and both of the boys were in a rotten mood. None of us said a word as we prepared for bed. Ron took one double bed and Harry and I the other. Neither of us was willing to share a bed with Ron because of his recent tendency to punch and kick people in his sleep. As Harry and I settled in I couldn't get the image of him beating the thug into the ground out of my head. I had been frightened by him. I hadn't thought that would ever be possible. I slipped into a fitful sleep and had elusive dreams tinged in red. When I woke up gasping for breath at two in the morning, I shut my eyes and rolled over, determined to get some sleep. My eyes flew open when I realized Harry wasn't there. Fearing some disaster I shot out of bed and was instantly comforted by the sight of him leaning against the railing of the balcony.

"Thank Merlin," I muttered to myself. On any other night I would have left him alone with his thoughts, but I couldn't leave it any longer. Thankful for the fact that Ron was snoring deeply, I slipped out the door, closing it behind me. I was immediately concerned by the fact that Harry was standing in the open air in the middle of February wearing nothing but a pair of pajama pants and his glasses.

"Harry, you must be freezing. What are you doing out here?" I asked, wrapping my arms around myself.

"Just thinking," he responded quietly.

"Anything you want to talk about?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Not really." There it was. I felt the tears fill my eyes before I had a chance to fight them off.

"Harry." He must have heard the desperation in my voice because he turned to face me. Somehow the moonlight only served to emphasize everything. The lean body that had been healthy and fit from Quidditch only a few months earlier was bordering on gaunt. There were dark circles prominent under his eyes and his once tanned skin was frighteningly pale. The sight only made the tears rush to my eyes faster.

"Hermione," he said sadly.

"Harry, I need you to talk to me. Please, I'm worried." He shook his head.

"I know you are, but I don't know what to tell you. I can't fix myself Hermione. I don't know how." I stepped closer.

"Let me help. We're in this together, we have to be."

"I don't know if you can help," he said almost inaudibly.

"I understand why you are the way you are Harry. There was a time when I knew you better than anyone. I could read you like one of my books until a few months ago. You've closed yourself off, and it hurts me, and frightens me."

"I'm sorry, I really am, but I don't know what to do. I'm so angry I can barely contain it. Almost all I think of is finding the Horcruxes. I can't do anything else, can't be any other way." I seized one of his arms almost violently.

"Yes you can, I know you can. You were that person not so long ago. I've seen your eyes light up when you ride a broom; I know how you feel when you're that lively amazing person. I know that you have to focus on finding the Horcruxes, but you've got to find an outlet for the anger. It'll kill you if you don't." The last part was whispered. Haunted emerald eyes met mine.

"That's the whole point isn't it? It always comes down to life or death," he whispered.

"Harry, please."

"No, it's the truth. I'm always facing life or death. That's what it comes right down to. The anger, the search, it all comes down to life or death. That's my reason for being. Ironic isn't it?"

"It doesn't have to be that way." He shook his head.

"But it does. From the moment I was born that's what it was. Either kill Voldemort or die. I even have a prophecy to prove it." I couldn't control the tears any longer.

"I know, I know that's how it has to be, but you have to believe that you can do it. You have to believe you can't come through." He placed his hands gently on my shoulders.

"I'm trying Mione, I really am, but I'm not sure if I can do it. I don't know that I can make it out alive." I shook my head.

"Don't say that. Don't tell me that." He smiled sadly.

"You already knew Hermione." Tears were flowing down my face unchecked. Everything had suddenly left my control. I was supposed to go out there and tell him how I felt and convince him to let me help him with his anger. It had escalated into something so much more. My worst fears were being confirmed, and Harry was bringing things to light that I had desperately pushed to the back of my mind.

"I know what could happen, I do. But I have to believe that you can win, that we can all win. I need to believe it. I'm afraid for us Harry. I'm afraid for you and for the fight you're facing, and I'm afraid of losing you. I'm terrified."

"I know. I'm scared out of my mind."

"I need you to tell me that you'll always try. Promise me that you won't give up," I said strongly.

"I promise, I promise Hermione. I won't give up. And I'll try to control the anger; I'll try to do better."

"I don't want you to be better; I want you to be you. I miss you" His hands raised from my shoulders to frame my face.

"I want to be me again, Mione. I want it more than anything." His eyes locked on mine and I saw the almost imperceptible change, the heat in the endless emerald depths as we touched. I felt the spark fly between us for the first time and knew he had felt it to.

"Harry," I whispered. I cursed myself for the shaking in my voice. "Harry." I shivered as he gently brushed tears from my cheeks. His voice was choked and husky when he spoke.

"Hermione." The way he said my name caused feelings I had never known were there to surge forward. I took a shaky breath as he bent and kissed me. It had never been like that for me before. Maybe it was all the emotion that had been brought to the surface during our discussion that did it, but that first kiss was earth shattering. We pulled away from each other, almost panting. He opened his mouth to say something but I gently brought a finger to his lips, then kissed him. He plunged his hands into my hair and I felt his fingers tangle in the thickness of it. I opened my mouth in silent invitation for him to deepen the kiss. I clutched hard at his shoulders to keep myself anchored. I felt as if my legs had turned to jelly. My heart was pounding hard against my chest when we pulled apart. I wrapped my arms around his waist and dropped my head to his chest, not sure if I could support myself after such an event. I smiled as he wrapped his arms around me and held me close.

I started to speak but instantly realized that nothing I could say would accurately express what I was feeling in that moment.

"I kind of feel like me." I looked up into his eyes confused. He responded immediately when he caught the look on my face. "I just… I feel happy again."

"Thank you," I said. He smiled a little and bent to kiss me again, slowly and sweetly.

We stayed out there until daybreak just holding each other. Ron knew from the minute he woke up that something had happened. It doesn't bother him. He's happy that we've managed to find a way to escape.

I'd love to tell you that we lived happily ever after, but I can't. We have managed to find two of the Horcruxes, and we're following promising leads on the third, but there's much yet to be done. Harry's battle with Voldemort is looming ever closer, and I hope against hope that he can win. I suppose only time will tell. For now I have what I never thought I would, a man who loves me, who would die to protect me. He's passionate, loving, brave, talented, and mine.

On a rainy day in Scotland I gave myself to him. The details aren't important. What matters is that it was perfect. He made it amazing, and tender, and heavenly, all for me. Harry was my first, he'll be my last. We've given each other what nothing else could.

Solace.

FINIS


End file.
